Ia, Ia, Emily Ftaghn!

What does a teenage girl holding back the destruction of reality have to do to get noticed around here?

Emily hails from the quaint little seaside town of Dunlap, Connecticut, and NOT from the distant existential blackness of realms beyond human comprehension. She’s here to harvest your soul and drain your sanity for the coming of Cthulhu. Kidding! That’s more of a star spawn kind of vibe.

Given that human civilization has not yet unraveled the mysteries of the dark cosmos, a few of the lesser Elder Things have gotten together to provide clarity on the matter. We’ve hooked up some shoggoths to write up some info for you all (hoping not for a repeat of past mistakes) and we’re setting out to find some friends in the cosmos.

For the last thousand or so years, we’ve been trying to make contact with you, to no avail. But then our Lead Human Researcher made a huge breakthrough: nothing is real to humans until it is on the internet. So with the help of your Squarespace technology, we sincerely hope the 108,634th time is the charm!

FAQs

We understand enough about your fragile human brains to know that you probably have questions regarding the sudden devouring of your reality. Our Human Affairs Office has prepared some answers below.

Emily Eldritch was adopted at birth by a mariner and an oceanographer who spend most of their time on the open seas without her. Sad, we know. But Emily does have a friend in Jack, an ancient eldritch abomination of doom and destruction! So not to worry!
She’s just a normal sixteen-year-old girl wishing for normalcy in a normal world. There’s nothing more normal than that, wouldn’t you agree?
Emily’s real surname is Chen, and it’s rumored that her real parents came from Asia from a place called Tsan Chan - but don’t tell HER that!
Philosopher Jack, the eldritch knight of lost eons, is here to help humanity! Really… Okay, well, maybe not all of humanity… but he’s here to help Emily! You see Philosopher Jack has one sole endeavor - to eviscerate anything in Emily’s way. Sure, she gets annoyed with that sometimes, but what teenager wouldn’t?
This monstrous, twelve-foot-high Old One of mist and shadow lives exclusively inside Emily’s school bookbag. But he doesn’t complain - mostly because he doesn’t speak at all.
While Jack heralds from the dark city of Carcosa, his role is that of knight-errant to the indescribable cosmic entity known as the One of Ages, The Timeless Mound, The Child of the Dark, the Changing Light... lucky enough for Emily, Jack CAN serve two masters!
The most precise description of Carcosa's location is the shores of Lake Hali, either on another planet, or in another universe.
She uses the stars primarily as a map for travel, but sure, they could be a map for our personalities, too!
Emily likes the mall. Though she’s never been to one - too much collateral damage… She also loves movies, her favorites being Lord of the Rings, The Last Unicorn, Labyrinth, and when she was ten, The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Sword In The Stone.
Dislikes? She tries to see the good in everyone, but if she had to pick, she’d probably say shoggoths, ghouls, dimensional shamblers, and spiders.
Homunculus is not exactly on her favorite persons list either…
It’s one of her favorites! It’s delicious!
Girls’ rugby. It’s gotten her out of several lies already…

Our understanding of time is very different from yours. Let’s just say roughly about a thousand times longer than your civilization has existed.
The official language of the Elder Things is Eldritch…. get it? Ha!
Okay, so our language is not something any human could utter in any substantial way, but you could simply call it “Elder Thing". Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!
We’re also fluent in R’lyehian.
Friends! We want to share new experiences, our deepest darkest secrets and funny memes.
Artiya’il! That darn cat messes with everything!
We understand not all humans have the time or access to travel, but honestly, every inch of your planet has something to brag about!
Our physical forms are much more malleable than the human body. This allows us to adapt to new environments across the cosmos, but we’ve preferred colder climates like your Antartica. Some of the Outer Gods, while on Earth, can choose to look more similar to humans - some even create avatars of themselves. Looking in your direction, One of Ages!
Honestly, we have so many names, it’s hard to remember them all… Most humans, when they see us, call us “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Yikes! The One of Ages is sometimes misunderstood as an “unfathomable colossus of eldritch dread destined to destroy different realms of reality.”
We consider that a little harsh. She can be quite amicable when she’s not devouring the fabric of spacetime.
Oh… THAT guy.
Homunculus has sworn us to secrecy regarding any details pertaining to him.
What we can say is that he’s short.
Technically, you could. However, because of temporal anomalies as you approach the speed of light, by the time you returned to Earth, everyone you know and love would no longer be alive.
…Also, you’d most likely be consumed by shoggoths.
Quite the little inquisitive mind, that one! The human teenager you call Danny Hoffman is the first of his kind to do what he did. But hey! We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him!
What is it with human teenagers and attitude? As far as we can tell, Dina Patrowski is best friends with Emily Eldritch. She’s a bit too deadpanned for our research, and we don’t really understand the black lipstick…
Ah, Topenga O’Neilly, the Red Witch (she hates that name though, don’t call her that).
Topenga is Dunlap’s resident herbalist and arcane specialist - an “alchemistra” as she sometimes refers to herself. Without her knowledge of things arcane, the Dunlap teens would surely find themselves up excrement’s creek without a paddle! (that’s the correct human idiom, right?)
Because we can change forms, sometimes we have tentacles, sometimes we don’t, whatever works best for the situation.

EMILY Eldritch

FAQs